If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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