i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Couch. On fire.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
