I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
