accomplished twins. life is a go
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
