Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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