trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
