is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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