Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
