WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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