So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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