I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
