My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
If I die, sorry about rent.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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