You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
