Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
