how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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