My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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