Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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