I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
