I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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