why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i can't believe i had my finger in that
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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