I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
