i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
