You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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