I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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