It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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