I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
