is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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