I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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