5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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