P.S. I can't hear my feet
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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