turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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