Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
