At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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