I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
