I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
