The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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