that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize