DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
