FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
