He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
