I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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