Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
