I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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