Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
