My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
