My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
