I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize