Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
