Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
