Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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