i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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