you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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