Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize