I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
