It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
