so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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