If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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