Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
