dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize