Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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