I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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