I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
