She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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