I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
