Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
